Howdy readers of ‘The Editorial’. This month we are going to explode a few more myths about communication as well as highlight one or two things people continually get wrong. Thank you to those of you who have contacted me with your own tales of botched communication – the numbers of you getting in touch is starting to make me think we may have to turn this in to a blog so you can all comment freely.

So, once again the daring and resourceful masked rider of the plains leads the fight for transparency and order in business communication (nowhere in the pages of history can one find a greater champion of justice). Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear. From out of the past come thundering hoofbeats as ‘The Editorial’ rides again!"

Episodes usually conclude with one of you lamenting the fact that you never learned the hero’s name ("Who was that masked man?"), only to be told, "Why, it’s the Editorial!" as it rides off in to the sunset…

Body Language

Heads up people – there is no such thing as ‘body language’ and every body language book you have ever read is wrong! Whether you are referring to gestures, movements, breathing, posture or anything else to do with expressions of the body I can assure you it is not a “language”.

There’s no “language” of your body and the expressions that you can generate in and from your body do not comprise a language. Language systems are made up of all those things that drove you nuts at school – definitions, syntax, grammar, etc. Your mind can do cool things like look at squiggly lines on a piece of paper and see a language system but your body doesn’t have a system from which it can learn and use when it expresses itself. Gestures are just gestures – movements of your arms and hands and there is no grammar or syntax or definitions of the gestures that make up a language system. That’s why every “body language” book is wrong!

Let me explain. In most “body language” books you will find statements like this: “Crossing the arms” means a person is ‘closed’ or ‘defensive’. In some situations with some people that may be true but crossing the arms does not automatically or innately mean that you are closed or defensive! Crossing the arms is just crossing the arms. Why any given person crosses their arms in a relationship, presentation or conversation depends on what the person thinks, believes, understands or feels.

He may cross his arms to show off his muscles. She may cross her arms because she’s cold. He may cross his arms because he is comfortable that way. She may cross her arms because she feels awkward about her hands. He may cross his arms because that’s what he saw his dad do.
Instead of thinking about the expressions of your body, and the body of people you interact with as “language,” we need to think of it as non-verbal expressions that can mean different things in different contexts to different people.

To do anything else is essentially to be engaged in mind reading – largely discredited by all major psychology textbooks. The truth is that you cannot know what a person means by merely observing their movements, postures, breathing, gestures and so on. You have to ask.

As the great Groucho Marx said – “A man scratching his nose early in the morning generally indicates that it is itchy.”

Suicidal Retailers

From time to time in my line of work you offend people. I don’t mean to and I certainly don’t set out to do so but when you have opinions or you make jokes about everyday life there is always someone who might find it a little too close to the bone. Generally it doesn’t bother me. I apologise for any offense caused and everyone gets on with his or her life.

There is one exception to this. I get really annoyed by people who appear to be offended by my attempts to give them money. You know who I mean don’t you? Those miserable bastards sitting in retail outlets who committed suicide 30 years ago and have been waiting for the obituary ever since. Here I am, the idiot customer, simply wanting to buy their product and provide them with a living and yet I seem to be some hugely unwanted and appalling intrusion on their life!

Honestly, why is it so hard? Retail is actually a very simple business because there is no selling involved. As the customer I have walked in to the shop either wanting to buy something or looking to buy something. The choice for the retailer is simple – they can either help me buy something or they can stop me from buying something. It never ceases to amaze me how many will go out of their way to try and stop me. You know the sorts of things I am talking about…

• Chatting on the phone to a friend while you stand in front of them desperately pleading for assistance
• Not calling back about a product you have ordered through them to tell you if it is ready or if there is an issue
• Failing to greet you or look moderately happy that you are there to spend money
• Sighing heavily and gazing at their watch as they wait for the day to end

There are lots of others. Whatever the behaviour, it’s stupid, rude, completely inexcusable and the only thing that seems to allow them to continue to operate is that the entire industry seems to suffer from the same condition.

Surly, grumpy, humourless, wretched, sad gits who although miserable are generous with it – they like to share it around! Seriously, if you hate your job that much… leave!!!! I feel better now.