Editorial August 2011 | Brett Rutledge

Greetings Editorial readers – it is time for a rant. I have been supplied with ample ammunition from the CEO of one of Australia’s largest company’s and obviously, as a result, will have to go in with all guns blazing.

What’s more, it is incendiary ammunition. It is the kind of corporate communication that makes me wonder how people get their jobs and how other people manage to keep them. So let’s not keep you in suspense any longer shall we? Let’s go hunting… with Alan Joyce and Qantas firmly in the crosshairs!

Alan Joyce – An Emperor With No Clothes

I got a letter from Alan Joyce, CEO of Qantas this month, as I am sure many of you did. I am not so naive as to think myself special in this instance. After all, if you are going to look like a complete tosser as a CEO then you want to reach as many people as possible. For the benefit of those who were not lucky recipients… here it is:

Oooooh a personal greeting! Alan and the team have mastered mail merge – improved aircraft maintenance can only be minutes away now.

As one of our most valued customers, I want to share with you our commitment to building a stronger Qantas. A Qantas that will be better for you.

Since 1920, Qantas has represented the best of what air travel can be. A pioneer that introduced flying to a young nation, carried generations of Australians to meet the world, and became one of the world’s great airlines.

Debatable Alan but, as CEO, you can hardly be expected to make the more reasonable claim that Qantas is fair to middling can you? – even if you do keep slipping down the rankings behind Air NZ, Singapore, Cathay, Etihad… Still, Qantas is definitely better than any American Airline you care to name – but then again so is Garuda.

The new Qantas will take on our global competitors with a spirit that will make Australians proud. An airline that builds on our unrivalled safety record and over 90 years of experience. That offers Australians more choices through new gateways to more destinations around the world. A state-of-the-art fleet with the best comfort, service and entertainment in the sky. An airline that will be strong, dependable and profitable now and into the future.

Geez, we’re dragging this out aren’t we? This must be the biggest, most exciting news since Moses went up a mountain top and came down with those ten stone tablets (there were originally twelve but those suckers were heavy, he stumbled… he fell… I’m sure it wouldn’t have made any difference anyway). These grandiose claims must surely lead to something even more grandiose – Moses is going to be so jealous!

Pardon? That can’t be it – he must be stalling… again. Sorry, that’s a poor choice of adjective when talking about Qantas. Not stalling then – just building up the tension. Any minute now we are going to be blown away by an announcement.

We will always be owned by Australians. We will always be proud that the vast majority of our operations are based in Australia.

WTF? Have I missed something? I must have because that last line isn’t anything new is it? Unless Julia and the team were contemplating a massive revenue grab by selling off the national airline or the whole pride thing is a recent development that none of us were aware of. Clearly, this is my fault. I was so busy being a smart ass that I missed the important news that Alan wanted to share with me. I will go back and read it again.

No… my mistake. The problem wasn’t that I was being a smart ass – the problem is that Alan appears to be a dumb ass. There was no announcement. Alan just sent me a lengthy letter with the express purpose of informing me that the exciting change is… wait for it… stalling… nothing

For further information visit our dedicated microsite at qantas.com/anewspirit. You can also keep up to date on other Qantas business issues at qantasanswers.com.

Surely Alan means: “For any information visit our dedicated microsite” because there was no information in the preceding 200 odd words.

I’m sending Alan warm wishes as well because I am reminded of the story of the Emperor with no clothes and I am picturing Alan naked in his luxurious office. It’s cold this time of year and warm wishes might be a big help to Alan at this important juncture in the Qantas crusade.

I know those of you in advertising will point out that this kind of thing is called a teaser campaign but for that to work there actually has to be something of substance behind it. At some point there actually has to be a hint of a subject or timeframe. Familiar feel-good phrases and reassuring sentiments being used to avoid saying what the “new spirit” actually is doesn’t fool anyone. Ultimately you are left groping as to what this could all be about and the clue is near the very end:

We will always be proud that the vast majority of our operations are based in Australia.

Oh, you mean you are moving overseas? Good – sod off. Make someone in Singapore read this crap.

A Word From Jonar Nader

As a blog writer I also read the blogs of other people including my good friend Jonar Nader – probably one of the most fascinating thinkers you are ever likely to meet. Jonar is constantly on the lookout for examples of bad management and poor thinking. When I was last chatting with him on a flight from Brisbane to Auckland (that had previously involved a ferry trip from Hamilton Island to Shute Harbour, a taxi ride from Shute Harbour to Sunshine Coast Airport then on to Mackay and a flight from Mackay to Brisbane… it’s a long story) he mentioned yet another of those examples – the infamous DoNotReply@CompanyName.com

You can find Jonar at http://www.logictivity.com and I will let him do the talking on this one:

“If you are a senior manager or director, here is a single question you can ask to assess if your organisation is utterly stupid: Does your organisation send emails to clients from an email address called DoNotReply@CompanyName.com? If you do, then your company is a hideous example of modern stupidity. How can organisations speak about the internet and FaceBook and social media and ‘being connected’ and communicating and listening, when it sends one-way emails. If a client cannot press ‘reply’ to respond, then you have failed big time.

I jolly well know what the defence will be, and I have heard it all, and I know all about the reasons. Yet, having assessed all the possible reasons, I still say that it is pathetic. There can be no reason. There are no reasons. They are merely excuses. If your organisation cannot monitor its emails, it ought to get out of cyberspace.

As you know, most of my articles are long. This one is short because no matter what you say, there can be no argument. It is a lame pathetic stupid practice. Just stop it!”

Seriously… get in touch

If anything here has touched a chord or anyone wants to offer me Alan Joyce’s job then please do get in touch. I really appreciate getting your feedback and hearing about your own experiences with corporate communication gone mad.

See you next month.

The Articulate CEO

The Articulate CEO’ is continuing in 2011 with a mix of podcasts, video and blog to highlight communication successes as well as mistakes in the business world and what we can do to learn from them. If there is anything you would like to see highlighted in terms of content then please let me know and I will do my best to address it for you.

Brett Rutledge Editorial August 2011

Alan Joyce – An Emperor With No Clothes

A Word From Jonar Nader